There are the things we’ve heard a million times before: don’t forget condoms, lube, your vibrator, blah blah blah. WE KNOW (or at least we know most of the time… Hands up if you’ve forgotten condoms or lube on an outcall at least once…)
But we’re not talking about the obvious today. You KNOW all the obvious things you need (if you don’t, go read My Incall Essentials You Need To Know About and What’s In My Outcall Bag, and then come back here!)
Today we are talking about 3 items that I went YEARS without knowing I needed for escorting. But they are life-changing, and I don’t want you to live this knowledge. Let’s go.
Did you know bad breath is mostly caused by bacteria that live on your TONGUE? Mind-blowing, right? No amount of teeth-brushing will solve bad breath. And when you work in a profession that involves up close and personal contact with other humans, you want to make sure you don’t have bad breath. You need a tongue scraper.
And before you tell me you brush your tongue with your toothbrush, I’m here to tell you NO. It is NOT the same thing. Just trust me. The amount of gunk a tongue scraper will get off your tongue is insane.
Pro tip: Brushing, flossing and using a tongue scraper in close proximity to a booking can increase STI risk (think about tiny cuts caused by brushing or flossing and then other bodily fluids mixing in your mouth… If you don’t offer oral sex without a condom then you have less cause for concern in this area). To stay as safe as possible, try not to engage in a full-on dental hygiene routine just before you see a client. I do my dental hygiene morning and night, and then swish mouthwash before I see a client.
I’ve heard every remedy for thrush from tea tree oil to coconut oil to sticking garlic cloves up there. For the love of god, vagina owners, please stop sticking kitchen products in your vagina. Just because it’s natural, doesn’t mean it’s good (newsflash: sharks are natural, and I don’t want one of those in my vagina).
Anyway. I have a delicate vagina that contracts thrush as soon as I say the word. After months of continually using anti-fungal cream to no avail, my doctor got me onto boric acid. It works by preventing the Candida fungi from growing. Because I’m so susceptible to thrush, my doctor recommended that I use the pessaries anytime my vagina feels ‘off’ (you know, a bit of discharge that is different from normal or that slightly uncomfortable feeling). I’ll pop one in at night (you have to be a bit careful as it can cause quite liquidy discharge, so I wear a liner to sleep if I use boric acid). And when I wake up, I’m good as new! Now I hardly EVER get thrush, which is a miracle for me.
It is tricky to find in Australia, but you can order it online (make sure you get medical-grade boric acid that has been produced in a sterile environment, rather than the stuff they use to kill cockroaches) or get it made at a compounding pharmacy.
A very important side note: PLEASE consult your general practitioner before using boric acid pessaries, especially if you have ongoing issues with thrush or bacterial vaginosis. DO NOT put random things in your vagina as ‘treatments’ without consulting a medical professional (I’m looking at you, everyone who has put a garlic clove in their vagina).
Pro tip: Boric acid may degrade condoms, therefore reducing efficacy. Try not to use boric acid the night before a booking. If you must, make sure you ‘scoop’ as much of the pessary as you can out with your fingers before the booking, and be aware of the risk you are taking.
Have you ever had a tiny tear on your genitals? Maybe it’s caused from too much friction or a poorly manicured fingernail, or it’s just popped up overnight for no rhyme or reason? And it STINGS, man does it STING. Or maybe it’s not even a tear, it’s just an area that is SORE.
This is EXACTLY what you need haemorrhoid cream for. Seriously.
My gynaecologist introduced me to Rectinol a few years back. I had been working a lot, and I had an internal spot on my vaginal that would get sore. At first, it was an abrasion caused by an idiot client that was way too rough. But even once the abrasion had healed it HURT. If I did one too many bookings it would STING and mean I couldn’t work for weeks. Of course, ideally, I just wouldn’t work until it was no longer sore. But I live in the real world, and I needed to work, so my gyno came up with haemorrhoid cream as a solution, and I’ve been using it for niggles and pains ever since.
How does it work? It has a slight numbing agent in it, so makes it bearable (and takes away that sting when you go to the toilet). Vaginal abrasions are like paper cuts – they can be tiny but man, can they hurt. So, the cream will numb and soothe, and you’ll be able to do a booking, should you need to.
BUT you should be aware that the cream contains oil, so it will degrade condoms and make them less effective (are you sick of me saying this yet?) If I use Rectinol prior to a booking I will apply it, let it sit for ~20 mins, then thoroughly rinse it away with water (no soap, because soap and vaginas don’t mix). Be aware of the risk you are taking if you do this, along with the increased STI risk that comes with working with any kind of skin abrasion.
Photo by Unsplash.
Disclaimer: I cannot, and do not, speak for all sex workers. I speak from my experience of working in a legal brothel and as an independent escort in Australia. Where possible I try to be inclusive. However, I can’t relay every experience of sex work – especially if I haven’t experienced it myself. This blog is for entertainment purposes only.
Save yourself a whole lot of time (and frustration) by letting me write your copy. Think clear, concise brand messaging, words that prompt action and avoid clichés – I’m an expert when it comes to strategy and creating clever copy that speaks to clients.