It’s not surprising that I LOVE organisation. I’ve spent my escort career honing the perfect incall set-up. You don’t need endless expensive items to have an efficient and luxe-feeling incall. I’ve tried out so many products, and these are my ESSENTIALS (Seriously, I wish I had this list 8 years ago before I wasted my money on so many unnecessary things!)
I always have three sizes of condoms and prefer non-latex where possible, as I find them far less irritating. I use Skyn Original and Large. For small condoms, I use Four Seasons Naked Closer (only because small non-latex condoms are like unicorns – they’re impossible to find!) At my incall, I keep two of each condom size on the bedside table for easy reach and the rest in a box nearby (more on that later). My shtick is the ~Girlfriend Experience~, and as we all know, men can have delicate egos. Over the years, I’ve found that my clients get intimidated if they see a bulk box of 100 condoms next to the bed, so I keep only a few condoms visible.
I’ve tried a lot of lube, and my all-time favourite is Swiss Navy Water Based. It’s cheap, not sticky, a little goes a long way, it doesn’t need to be continuously reapplied, and it doesn’t upset my delicate thrush-prone vagina. You can purchase Swiss Navy in a variety of sizes. I like the small pump bottles (250ml or under) as you can grab the bottle, dispense it onto your palm and apply it, all with ONE HAND when you’re in a tricky position. It also comes in a larger bulk size which you can decant into the smaller pump bottles (again, to cater for the delicate man-egos who might get upset at a 2L bottle of lube).
Massage oil is a must for longer bookings. It’s an excellent timewaster and a great excuse to lay down and do a whole lot of nothing. I like L’Occitane oils because they smell SO GOOD. But, important PSA: oil is NOT COMPATIBLE with condoms. Even if you can’t SEE a tear in the condom, oils can create microtears that cause condoms to be less effective in protecting against STIs and pregnancy (this INCLUDES coconut oil). So, you have a couple of options here:
I’m personally not a massive toy fan. Each to their own, but I’ve found that more often than not, clients are not well-versed in how to use toys properly, and it ends up being a painful experience. For that reason, I only have two toys, and I keep them tucked out of sight unless requested by a client. My favourite toys for injury-free play are a small bullet vibrator and a jelly dildo. I use a WeVibe Tango as it’s rechargeable, so there’s no need to worry about batteries. But, if you’re especially worried about inept clients driving your vibrator, try getting a super cheap toy so that the vibration isn’t as strong and there is less chance of the over-zealous client injuring you with it. This is the same reason I prefer a jelly dildo over harder materials – less risk of injury.
My incall is CLEAN at all times. I use baby wipes for quick clean-ups during bookings. I consider myself a baby wipe connoisseur. My all-time favourite baby wipes are Cub Fragrance-Free. They are ridiculously cheap, aren’t all frothy and weird, and when you pull them out of the packet, you get ONE rather than TEN (you know what I mean – the struggle is real). Now, I know baby wipes aren’t the most environmentally friendly choice out there. But, as a clean-freak I just can’t stand the thought of having a towel with bodily fluids all over it sitting in my laundry until I have enough dirty towels for a load of washing (seriously, can you imagine the smell?) So, baby wipes it is for me. Post-booking, I pop any rubbish in a nappy bag before chucking it in the bin to prevent odour.
Now, we talked about delicate male egos and keeping only a few condoms on the bedside table. I keep a larger supply of condoms in a small Ikea kuggis box within reach, in case I need extra. This is just a box, but it’s not just a box. It’s the PERFECT size for 3 rows of condoms as well as a nice supply of nappy bags and an extra bottle of lube. Seriously, I didn’t think I could love a box this much, but here I am. I also have a few larger kuggis boxes under the bed in which I keep my toys, extra baby wipes and nappy bags, and sponges.
This is where I keep it SIMPLE. All my linens and towels are white. Massage oil and lube stains are less visible on white, and white is simple to keep crisp and clean. Hot tip for keeping your white linens fresh: pop a bleach tablet in the wash with each load.
In the bathroom, I leave one bathmat and one towel ONLY for the client. It is ESSENTIAL that there are no other towels in the bathroom. If you leave other towels within sight, then your client WILL end up using 92 towels, despite the fact they only have 1 body (and you will be cursing yourself as you do laundry for the rest of the day). TRUST ME, keep your other towels elsewhere. Make sure you lay the bathmat down on the floor for them. If you don’t, you’ll end up with an unused bathmat and a slippery as hell floor. Alternatively, you will end up with a confused client who uses the bathmat as a regular towel (yes, I’ve really had this happen).
On the bed, I have a fitted sheet and two regular pillows. Some workers prefer to use a ‘drop sheet’ (i.e., a flat sheet that you lay over the bed, for the activity to take place on top of), but I find changing a fitted sheet quick and easy, so I don’t worry about a drop sheet. I don’t do throw pillows or blankets or duvets or any of that. It’s more stuff that gets dirty and more laundry for me to do. It might seem clinical, but I give my incall that luxe feel in other ways and keep my laundry to a minimum.
I keep the body wash and deodorant I provide for clients simple and pick inoffensive scents. I often buy Sukin body wash, which clients always comment on and seem to enjoy. For deodorant, I buy spray as it’s more hygienic.
After working in brothels for years, I have an INTENSE aversion to Listerine mouthwash. The smell of it reminds me of longggg grave shifts and cringey wet pokey-tongue fish kissers. Can’t do it. So, I go for pretty much any mouthwash that ISN’T Listerine. Hot tip: place the mouthwash on top of your client’s towel, so they have to physically pick up the bottle to shower and are more likely to use the mouthwash. I also provide little plastic shot glasses so clients can use the mouthwash hygienically (although let’s be honest, I bet they just swig it from the bottle when the bathroom door is closed…) If you want a more environmentally friendly option, you could leave a drinking glass next to the mouthwash for them to use. However, I’ve tried this, and no one used the glass… Gotta keep it simple!
We’ve got the basics out of the way – now it’s about creating that luxe feel. I’m not about throw pillows and blankets, but I AM all about creating a cosy vibe so that clients feel relaxed and comfortable. I personally can’t STAND silence (especially during sex), so music is a must for me. I use Spotify (tax deductible!) to play my favourite mellow, sensual tracks from The xx and Cigarettes After Sex. Your music choices might differ depending on your brand and the vibe you are wanting to portray.
I like to decorate my incall with lots of greenery and flowers. If you struggle to keep plants alive, pothos/devil’s ivy is perfect because it’s pretty much IMPOSSIBLE to kill and doesn’t require much attention. Dried flowers are also a great, affordable option because you don’t have to change them out weekly like you do with fresh flowers.
Finally, I always like to offer my clients a drink upon arrival. This is such a simple gesture, but I get so many comments from clients about this. It makes them feel relaxed and welcome. I keep a bottle of red, white and bubbles on hand, as well as a couple of different types of beer (again, tax deductible!) The funny thing is, that while clients LOVE being offered a drink, they rarely actually accept it. The vast majority of my clients have a glass of water! And, if they do accept an alcohol drink, they take two sips their wine, and I’m left with 95% of a bottle of wine that will go to waste. To avoid wastage, you can buy mini bottles of wine (though they aren’t that much cheaper, so I’m not sure this saves that much money). I use a few wine stoppers so the open bottles can last at least a week or so.
Photo by Unsplash.
Disclaimer: I cannot, and do not, speak for all sex workers. I speak from my experience of working in a legal brothel and as an independent escort in Australia. Where possible I try to be inclusive. However, I can’t relay every experience of sex work – especially if I haven’t experienced it myself.
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